The Ornament
by Raose
Summary: Mary's first Christmas back has her remembering a tradition that never quite started.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

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Mary had always wanted an ornament memory tree. When she was ten years old a teacher had planted the idea in her head when she'd told the class about ornaments holding special memories. Mrs. Kittigs had told her class a story about a special tree covered in ornaments, each bearing a specific memory to be brought out and reminisced over during the holidays. The idea of holding onto an object over the years just because it reminded you of a good memory spoke of forever, consistency, and a freedom that her life had never included. Keeping things that didn't revolve around hunting was never going to happen, but still the idea lingered. The idea of an ornament carrying an important memory for years, a memory that could be attached to a tangible object and passed to another person.

With her family's lifestyle the tree could never be a reality. The constant moving, the hours spent researching, or the time dedicated to training for combat all kept away the comfort a proper holiday should bring. Her family had celebrated, in appearance only, the few holidays they were stationary enough to need the proper cover. Her last Christmas memory was three years ago in a small town with a vampire nest holed up in a barn in the country side. He mother had put up a small tree with two dozen ornaments and strung garland around the house for when guests came over. The presents under the trees were just empty boxes her mother had wrapped up and tucked under the tree.

They'd been in town through the New Year's Day and the tree was still standing with its decorations and fake presents when they'd packed up the car on January second and left town. When she'd started her new school two states over she'd lied about receiving a doll house and a nice warm coat. Though the coat wasn't really a lie, it was a gift, but not for Christmas, for the completion of a successful hunt. She'd also received a brand new machete and silver knife. The knife she still carried with her everywhere stashed in her boot just in case.

She never told her parents how much she hated the lies she had to tell. Moving as often as often as they could to chase after another hunt. Mary didn't want any of it, she wanted that tree of memories. The tree meant there was nothing dangerous to run towards, just safety and home. At nights she'd dream of her own memory tree filled with ornaments, hers, her husbands, and her children's memories hanging signaling peace and home. In her dream she walk over and touch her first ornament, the first piece to that started her perfect normal life away from the nightmares most of the world didn't know existed.

When she got older she'd sneak away around Christmas and stop in stores that held unique Christmas ornaments. She'd run her fingers over the ornaments and imagine different stories for each ornament and how it had come to hang on her special memory tree. One year she'd been drawn to a small crystalline reindeer ornament. In her story it would be a gift from her first child who would ask if he could keep his own reindeer out back. He's talk of how he wanted his own set of flying reindeer to fly them all around the world like magic.

Another year she'd spotted a perfect blue crystal snowflake. Her true love would give her this one as a declaration of adoration. In the heart of the snowflake was just enough room for his personalized message to her, 'To our unique and precious love.'

The small candle she'd found her sophomore year of high school was the first she actually bought. She carried it safely tucked in her bag to remind her to hope even in the darkness. The light it symbolized had kept her heart filled with hope as she plotted her own escape form the life of a hunter. Her meeting with John Winchester in Lawrence Kansas had filled her with a new hope. She could see a new light, a real light to guide her from the world of nightmares into the light. Their first Christmas as she'd placed that small candle ornament Mary had told her husband, "This is you, my light in the darkness when I'd needed it most."

She thought of that time long ago as she stood staring at the packed Christmas section in the local shop. People didn't really look at the objects as the grabbed them and dumped them in overstuffed carts. No care was put into the ornaments as they were grabbed and the shoppers moved on to the next items on their lists. They were just items to decorate their homes, not memories to be treasured. Her heart ached as she thought, _'Has the world changed so much or did I just never see this?'_

The ornaments she could see were plastic and cheap. No stories could belong with these items. Hope couldn't bloom within them and carry her through dark times. This time with its thoughtless need for clutter was not her time, not her home. She frowned dismally as she looked at around her and saw nothing but a broken dream in a broken world.

Her John was dead, died fighting a war Mary had brought to their doorstep. Dean, her sweet, caring, innocent boy, was a hardened soldier. His anger worn clearly, and his cheer a farce for the world to see. And her baby, her little Sammy with his life filled with potential, was nothing more to her than a wounded and broken stranger. Their lives without her had turned into every other hunter she'd ever met. They were beyond her, with their broken lives, and her broken reality.

She doesn't want to see this. Her heart aches as she stumbles from the store past noisy shoppers and screaming, demanding children. Tears fall down her cheeks as she searches out her borrowed car in the packed parking lot. Twice she stops by the wrong car before she finally finds hers and slips inside.

Her tears only increase as she watches a mother and her two young children pass in front of her car laughing. The eldest boy has his younger brother's hand and is clearly talking to the boy as their mother smiles down at them. She never got to do that with her boys; that had been taken from her. Now she was left with just this awful time and the darkness that seemed to thrive around her family. Sorrow seemed to enveloper her entire being for a moment and Mary wished it would stop.

"My offer still stands. Safe passage back to Heaven," the reaper Billy said as she appeared suddenly beside Mary. Stiffening Mary looked at the confident woman beside her. Sadness radiated in the other woman's brown eyes and Mary considered the option much as she had the first time it had been offered. Mary wiped her eyes so she could see the reaper more clearly.

"No," Mary finally murmured unconvincingly.

"You don't belong here. You know that, here in this time you're always going to be out of step. Time has moved on and left you behind…You died Mary. You'll never see your boys as babies again, that's gone forever. And those boys… they're not yours… not like they once could have been. They've grown up and away from your memory. What I'm offering is a trip back to where you belong. No one gets hurt, no deals are made, its better if you let go, they'll understand," Billy soothed.

A deep ache bloomed in Mary's chest to say yes and return to Heaven. To return to her John, her Dean, and her Sammy that await her in Heaven. She forced herself to shake her head no even though she desperately wanted to see them again as she remembered them. Wanting Heaven but feeling reality press in on her Mary looked away from Billy. The silence became deafening as Mary tried to keep her resolve. A sudden vibrating in her pocket reminded her of why no was important and she pulled out the cellphone Dean gave her after they'd rescued Sam from the British Men of Letters. Her son, grown and damaged as he was, was contacting her again. He needed her here as he'd needed her when he was still a little boy.

"The thing is Billy I do want my Heaven back. I dream of it every night. The idea of seeing my John, and my boys as the babies I left that dreadful November night… it plagues me," Mary admitted as she turned to look at the reaper beside her. A small smile spread across Billy's face at her evident victory. She reached out her hand and Mary held up her hand to tell her to wait. Mary licked her lips and continued, "I want Heaven, but I can't say yes to that offer."

"Mary," Billy said as Mary twisted her phone to show the reaper the partial message displayed on the phone. ' _Hi mom I was won..._ ' The rest of the message was hidden but those few words filled her heart with joy.

"This boy, my boy, he may no longer need me to make his lunch or read to him at night but he still needs me. The knowledge that I'm out here somewhere, alive, that matters to him. I may be sad, and desire an end to my own suffering but I'm not here for me. I'm here for him, for Sam. It's my job as their mother to put my needs aside and live _for_ them. He's the heart of my Heaven. Dean and Sam and John, they are all I need to have a perfect Heaven. John isn't here, but does that mean I get to quit on my boys… no, not ever. Losing one person, or two, or even everything I've ever known doesn't give me the right to quit. Dean and Sam deserve better. Even now in this misery I know it's worth it. Every tear I shed… if its for them, if I stay for them, that's a gift. Heaven isn't just the good memories… it's the sad ones too. What I've been given is a new, better Heaven," Mary said.

"There may be no Heaven for you if you stay here," Billy warned grimly.

"This is my Heaven. If staying means I can no longer go back upstairs that's okay. If Hell is my new future that's okay. If you toss me into the Empty with my boys that's okay too. Goodbye Billy, my son's waiting for me," Mary said. She stared at the reaper for a moment before she turned away from the frowning reaper and opened the text message from Dean.

' _Hi mom I was wondering if you wanted to swing by the bunker for Christmas. Sam says hi._ '

' _I'll be there in a few days._ ' Mary sent back before she started her car and looked over at the empty seat beside her. The reaper had left and Mary had a plan to spend Christmas with her two boys. Perhaps she'd restart the ornament tree, after all her boys had a steady home even if it was a bit nontraditional.

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Author's note: I've been struggling with Christmas the last few years and decided the best solution was to embrace the Supernatural Family Motto 'Always Keep Fighting'. To do this I've decided to fight back against the darkness that's been ruling my life for years and return to the one thing that seems to bring me joy, writing. That being said I'm way out of practice. I apologize for all spelling/grammatical errors present.

I've noticed quite a few writers from our fandom have been writing based on prompts supplied by fans, and I'm requesting that anyone who has enjoyed this piece and has a moment to review provide a prompt. I'm hoping that writing may help me through the holidays and the darkness that seems to cloud my mind at this time of year. Anything will do really.

Thank you to everyone who has read this. I hope you enjoyed it.


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